my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
