Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
