i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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