At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
