soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
