Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
