my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
