Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
