I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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