Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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