I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
