How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
