My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
