I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
