Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
