We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
