Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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