before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
