It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just wanna soil my oats bro
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
