there's paper in my vomit.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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