I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
