i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
