Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
