They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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