I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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