I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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