Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
