i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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