Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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