he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
