So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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