i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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