I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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