My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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