So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
