My first STD was from a foam party
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
