If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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