True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
