everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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