There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
