You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You dont lie about slip and slides
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
