I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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