it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
