we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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