i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
