I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
