Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
