my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
