Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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