Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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