i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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