Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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